Episode 24: Talking About Sex With Sexually Reactive Children & Teens

In this episode of The Family Couch we chat with Tara Spears, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a licensed mental health therapist in the state of California. She spent over a decade working in the welfare sector and realized the dire need to have resources for those children who are sexually reactive. Sexually reactive is defined as a child under the age of 12 who is displaying sexually inappropriate behavior in a public fashion.

We discuss the difference between children defined as “sexually reactive” or as a perpetrator and what the difference is, both in the legal sector and by a clinical definition. Tara explains commonalities that are found among children who have been abused (i.e. choosing to abuse a child who is the same age as they were when their abuse first started) or a pattern of planning sexually inappropriate behavior.

Next, we dive into how to handle sexually reactive behavior in a young child. Tara shares that “playing dumb” can actually be the best course of action a lot of the time. While sexually shocking, the behavior is relatively normal. Asking what made them want to do the action, where they saw it, how they feel, and allowing the child to speak opens the door of communication. She cautions that if the parent does have a history of sexual abuse he/she should step away due to the flood of emotions that will rise and can keep them from responding appropriately and calming.

We next turn to the importance of having a sex positive conversation with our children. As parents, it is our responsibility be sex positive so we can teach the same message to our children. While it may not be natural, due to our own potential history, parents should take the responsibility through self help, counseling, etc. to understand how to talk about sex in a positive fashion with your child.

Tara explains that children who have been sexually abused can certainly have a healthy childhood and move onto a thriving adulthood. She shares that it will require counseling and a supportive caregiver that is dedicated to treatment and understanding it is a process that all parents need to be committed to. Commonly, parents do not want to name the behavior and hope it will go away. Tara explains that by doing this you are letting the child determine the parameters and outcome. By dealing with any sexually inappropriate behavior immediately parents are much more likely to heal wounds and help the child move to healthy outcome.

Lastly, Tara gives her recommendations on how a parent should respond to typical “sexual”behaviors a parent may see through the years. From watching porn to experimenting with their own body Tara explains how worried a parent should be and what response one should give.

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Tara Spears is the owner of Talk Sex with Me, a website that provides accurate, pertinent and relevant online learning regarding sex, sexuality, gender, and sexual expression to assist individuals and families in making informed decisions about their health and safety.

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