Episode 27: Embracing Your Parenting Perfections

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In this episode of The Family Couch we chat with Dr. Sharon Martin a Clinical Psychologist from San Jose, CA who works with people who struggle perfectionism, anxiety, and people pleasing.

We jump right into the impact of perfectionism on our society over the years. Dr. Sharon notates that as a culture we place a large focus on achievement and the tangible markers of success. We chat about how ironic this is because we learn so much when we make mistakes. Unfortunately our focus on wanting everything to be perfect actually means we miss out on life experiences, important feelings, and chances to fully develop.

This leads to our discussion on how how a lack of compassion can negatively impact a child. From feelings of depression, anger, and sadness to frustration with their own self value we see that this can be harmful and even lead to shame. In turn, it can also lead to shame for the parent. It is an ongoing battle between wanting to get it right (raising your child) and knowing that you parented in a way that you may feel remorseful. Dr. Sharon explains that by normalizing your parenting behaviors and realizing that perfection is never the goal, we may be able to more easily open up to others. Eventually as parents we could find deeper connections to our peers who are going through the same experiences which will have a positive impact on our lives.

We dive into the gender inequality that exists between mothers and fathers. Dr. Sharon explains that in her experience that the weight of perfectionism does appear to be heavier for mothers than fathers. We see this as partially coming from history and potentially from the competitive nature of women. While she may not agree with this, there are many things that have stayed the same with our gender roles.

One of the most important topics we talk about is how to handle difficult conversations with children. Dr. Sharon and I really dive into how perfection molds us as adults and how we have an opportunity through our conversations with our children to teach them to give grace. It is not just embracing imperfection and letting people off the hook. It is taking responsibility and apologizing when necessary. By taking ownership when wrong (i.e. being late when picking up a child, instead of blaming traffic) we teach the behaviors they need growing up.

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Sharon Martin is a licensed psychotherapist (LCSW) with a private counseling practice in San Jose, CA. She is dedicated to helping busy adults and teens in Silicon Valley manage stress in order to build peace, balance, and grow happiness in their lives. She earned a MSW from Boston College and a BA in psychology from Clark University in Worcester, MA. After moving to California, she earned her license to work independently as a therapist. She also have a Basic Certificate in Trauma Informed Care (West Valley College) and is a Certified Alcohol Abuse Treatment Specialist (AATBS). She is a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.

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