Episode 28: Parenting Foster and Adopted Children

Thanks for watching this episode of The Family Couch

In this episode of The Family Couch we chat with Megan Stonelake, a therapist for children, specializing in foster care, adoptive parents, and bio parents. We discuss how to be more effective in raising and disciplining foster care children, the struggles the foster families face and what the children in the system face daily. We review coping techniques and share strategies that families can put into place today.

We immediately jump into the tough realities research has shown to be true in foster care. Children who spend longer amounts of time in residential time run a higher risk of being institutionalization when they are older. This is extremely tough for children as they are not able to develop loving relationships with family members.

Megan shares the different perspectives that are present in the foster care world. Many families are confused as to why children would act out once they placed in a family: they are finally in a family and while the parents are attempting to show love and concern the child acts out in violence and misbehavior. Why? Megan brings up that for most children this singular experience is just a piece of their story. He or she has a whole life of not being given a chance or not knowing what love is.

We discuss what steps a foster family and child can do to help communication through this volatile time. From decoding communication by working through playtime together (i.e. using sandbox playtime as a means of talking) to taking a step back and realizing that this is not a journey you will accomplish alone. Megan shares a raw realization: No matter how strong you are, chances are there will be times as a foster parent your patience will be tested and a bio parent may not understand your experiences in life. Seek out other foster families so you can connect.

We next dive into self care for foster parents. While as a foster parent you may feel the urge to immediately open your home and heart to another child as soon as one leaves, Megan does suggest taking that time for yourself. It give you time to rest, reset and if you have a child – time for your family unit to reconnect as a whole. Your family will be suffering a loss every time a foster child leaves and there will be a grieving period. She suggests that you do not ignore but open up to this feeling so you are ready for the next child, should you foster again.

Megan defines ‘complex trauma’- trauma that a child has experience from a caregiver over an extended period of time. It is different from other trauma because it is from the person who was supposed to keep them safe. It is commonly found in foster care, which makes it challenging for them to attach in a home environment. We discuss how the majority of children in foster care are there as a result of complex trauma and distrust of caregivers. Megan shares that working on connection is the best method to move forward. Young children respond best to touch therapy (if they tolerate) while older kids respond better when we take the time to understand their unique situation (i.e. was it drugs, alcohol, etc?).

Lastly we discussed the topic of discipline and foster children. We do not hold back in discussing what is best for a child who is in foster family. Megan states a quote: “Children come to a foster home with an invisible suitcase.” We do not know who they are, where they have been, and what all they are bringing to the family. We discuss that with discipline it is important to focus on healthy attachments. If discipline will not help create a healthy attachment to you it probably will not help in the temporary situation you are in. Learn techniques to discipline that will not break the relationship but will build it up over time. If you do feel overwhelmed at the behaviors, do not wait for support. Turn to someone immediately. Placement turnover is not always the answer, especially if you seek out support immediately.

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GUEST BIO:

Megan is a therapist and the mama of a sweet, sensitive four year old.

She has 10 years of experience working with children and families including as a skills trainer, counselor, and adoption worker. She has a BS in Applied Psychology and an MA in Counseling, and has specialized training in Collaborative Problem Solving and perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.

Her approach to counseling marries humor with empathy. She can help you to identify your strengths and values while assisting you in developing new skills. She has a deep passion for supporting parents. She knows firsthand how challenging parenting can be, but with the right tools it can also feel profoundly fulfilling and even fun!

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