In this episode of The Family Couch, we talk with Tangee Veloso about how to tame your wild child and how to raise a confident child while your child is being themselves.
We dive in and discuss that parents Veloso works with in coaching are often trying to teach their kids how to behave with traditional quick-fix parenting tricks, which is about correcting the behavior. Veloso teaches them philosophy and how to uncover the unmet need(s) of their children. As a result, the child’s behavior improves and the family is able to build a deeper connection. Veloso feels that it is very important to love ourselves and that we may have a hard time meeting the needs of our children because we are not doing what we love. We need to find time to do the things we love to have our own needs met.
We talk about how a parent can slow down in a society where being busy is the norm. Veloso proclaims that she is outside the box in her parenting. The time-outs, good-jobs, and bribes and rewards are the societal norm, but she provides that there are other ways to connect with our children and ourselves. It is about taking time for yourself. Veloso had vertigo last year and she knew she wanted to meditate and start journaling–she felt that this was the universe telling her to slow down and take time for herself. It should not always take a medical issue to have us slow down, though; Veloso recommends taking even just ten minutes each day to do something for yourself. This helps fill up your “love cup” so you have more to give to your children.
We discuss different techniques Veloso recommends for each age group. For younger children, she recommends saying things like, “hot” if the stove is hot or “sharp” if they might cut themselves instead of saying “no” or “don’t” all the time. Veloso feels like time-outs, bribes and rewards create more disconnect than building the relationship. She believes that as adults we need to tame our inner wild-child and negative self-talk. We need to ask ourselves if we are truly happy or truly content. Veloso does time-in instead of time-out. With time-out, the kids are really not thinking about what they did and they may feel like we as parents are withdrawing our love. Time-in is connecting and really finding out what is going on. Veloso feels that there are other ways we can show appreciation instead of saying “good job.” You can say something like “thank you” instead with a description of the reason you are thankful. This also models the behavior for the children.
We talk about what to do in the moment when your child does something you don’t approve of but you agree that time-out isn’t what you want to do. Veloso says to “stop, drop and pause.” You stop and drop in to connect with yourself. You can tell your child that you need to be in your own space and take a breath. If you get to the point where you start to yell, you forgive yourself. She mentions the term “Rewind, Repair and Replace” from a book by Pam Leo. You rewind and say, “I’m so sorry that I yelled and took this out on you. Can we rewind and reconnect to repair things?” We also need to set boundaries. Conscious parenting is not passive parenting.
If something happens, the boundaries need to be clear. Veloso mentions a situation that occurred with her son when he was four. Veloso had just separated from her son’s father and moved into a new place. Her son had playdates with a friend’s son and as a result of the trauma he was going through was saying some scary things to the friend’s son that made him uncomfortable. After this, Veloso “set the stage” for her son. She would describe what was going to happen at the next playdate and also let him know that if he said these scary things to his friend, they would have to leave because everyone needs to be safe. Veloso also let him know that she would not be mad at him and they could still go do something else. She gave him the option to do something else because he is not able to work through his emotions at the age of four.
We talk about how you can help your child to process things in a way that is appropriate for them instead of acting out the bad behavior. You can tell your child it is not okay to hit or bite a friend, but you need to set them up for success. You have to be present and see that they are about to get to the point where they may hit or bite, and then you go in and shadow the child and being there to help them through it. Veloso’s son is going through a phase where he falls apart when he gets frustrated. Right before he gets to that point, Veloso asks how she can help him. Sometimes it’s breathing, doing some jumping jacks, or even just allowing children to color to be able to draw their feelings. These can all help them reconnect to themselves. Children also need to be validated. If a child falls and gets hurt, parents often tell them that they are fine even though it does hurt to fall down. This teaches them to push their true feelings down and question them.
We next discuss how the way we were raised as children makes its way into our parenting, sometimes unconsciously. Veloso says that this is where we need to do an inventory. She believes that when we are triggered by anyone else, it is usually not about the other person but more about a time in our past when we did not feel accepted, loved and appreciated. When we are triggered, we can look inside ourselves and find the missing parts where we need love. We can ponder it, but not get stuck in it, to figure out what healing work we can do. We talk about why parents say, “I survived my childhood,” and then bring these parenting ideas into their own parenting style. Veloso wonders if they are really taking tally of where they are at with their joy and self-love. Do you want to feel like you’re surviving or thriving?
We finally discuss how you can support your child when they are a handful who pushes back, challenges you and pushes your buttons. Veloso feels that it all comes back to self-love. When we are taking care of ourselves and our needs are met, we can be the eye in the storm of chaos around us. If we love ourselves it makes it easier to respond to our children instead of reacting to them.
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GUEST BIO:
Tangee Veloso is a connection coach who works with parents and co-parents of young children between ages 2-12 that are having behavioral issues in their home. She is the founder of Family Love Village, the world’s leading conscious community, website and iMagazine called the “FLVillage Crier” for families passionate about parenting through connection and eco-holistic living. She wrote a book called Taming Your Wild Child: Seven Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children.
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CONNECT WITH TANGEE VELOSO:
WEBSITE: https://tamingyourwildchild.com/
INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/tangeeconnectioncoach/
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/TangeeConnectionCoach/
BOOK on AMAZON: Taming Your Wild Child: Seven Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children
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Want to be on The Family Couch or know someone who would be a great guest? Email us at mercedes@shameproofparenting.com
