In my work with parents, I’ve often heard the statement, “He/she is doing this for attention!” Most of the time, parents are referencing their child’s negative behavior. While I agree that a child acts out in an attempt to obtain your attention, are you willing to accept that giving your child attention isn’t a bad thing?! If so, then read on!
Types of Attention
There are two types of attention that a child can elicit out of their parents:
Negative Attention is when a child gets you to notice them because they have misbehaved and/or are displaying unwanted behavior. Many kids end up getting this type of attention because it is easy for a parent to notice when a child is running through the store or yelling at their siblings
Positive Attention is when a child is acknowledged for displaying acceptable behaviors. Most parents would like to think that they pay attention to their child when they’re doing something positive, but the truth is most parents ignore positive behavioral displays. Say what?! Most parents get excited when their child brings home good grades, but shoo their child away when they ask them to come see them beat a video game. Did I get you on that one?
How to Give Attention [The Positive Type]
Now that you know that there are two types of attention, let’s look at how to help a child grab your eyes and ears in a constructive way!
- Listen:
When you ask your child about their day, I challenge you to focus in on the positives about their day. Of course you want to discuss the negative issues, but don’t just harp on what they did wrong, acknowledge that their was something positive that happened that day.
- Praise:
The hardest thing for some parents to do is give praise to their child for everyday actions. Telling your child they did a good job on making their bed, or that you noticed that they took out the trash without being asked to shows that they can get you to notice them even with minor acts.
- Ignore:
Another challenge for you is to take one day a week to ignore all negative behavior and only acknowledge positive behavior [no matter how small]. As you begin to get comfortable doing this, add another day that you ignore. By ignoring negative behavior, children learn that they cannot get your attention by displaying unwanted behavior
- Show:
Display positive behavior to model for your child what is acceptable and what is tolerated in your family. If you use curse words, guess what, so will your children. If you yell to get your needs met, then your children learn to do this too. It goes a bit deeper than this, but the main idea is that modeling positive behavior encourages your child to use this behavior.
It’s so difficult not to attend to the unwanted behaviors, parents! But, the idea that a child is just looking for attention is an actual truth. Children crave the attention and approval of their parents. If the only time they get that attention just happens to be when they are acting out, then the negative behavior gets reinforced. Why not change that reinforcement to children seeking attention because they’ve done something positive?
How did you show encourage you child to seek positive attention this week? Let us know in the comments!!!
Thank you for sharing. This is a great reminder and all parents should be aware of that!
Thanks for stopping by Aneta! I agree that parents should make attempts to figure out what the need is behind the attentions seeking behavior! Please feel free to come back and comment again! 🙂
My children are older now, but I believe that no matter what age, they still look for your attention and approval. For my 27 year old, I make sure that he is OK by checking in and if I do disapprove of a behavior, which is rare, I have quiet discussions. Now for my 14 year old going through the teen stuff, I make sure that I carve out special time for him. We have dates during the week. It can be outside or in. But I make sure that the time is quality and I am always present. The reason I do this is to show him that showing positive attention is vital when making connections in your lifetime.
Denise, I commend you for knowing that even though children always need attention it is not always a bad thing. I think that’s its wonderful that you still spend time [and make time] for your boys even though they are older. I appreciate your comments on the posts and feel that it gives parents a positive model for what works!! Please continue sharing your experiences! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your post.. I have open communication with my kids. I treat my kids equally. I love them and I want them to grow up be responsible. My bad that I sometimes spoiled them.
Hi and welcome to the blog! I am so happy that you enjoyed the post – I think that you have great goals for your family. There’s nothing wrong with spoiling our children. Wanting them to be responsible and having open communication with them is awesome. Being a great role model for your children and setting healthy limits for them to grow and learn will help them grow into healthy adults! Thanks again for reading and I look forward to hearing your insights on other posts!